Did the Masons really influence the design of Washington DC?

Despite what you may have read, seen on TV, or in movies such as National Treasure, the fraternity of Ancient and Accepted Masons did not conspire to design the layout of the streets of our nation's capitol, nor did they hold any other influence over the government buildings and monuments, except for a few very secret areas. No one, outside of the Masons actually knows about these places, until now. As a Mason in reasonably good standing, I was told of these secrets during the period I was being raised from the subliminal degree of "Junior Potent Tater" into the beautiful level of the super-simile degree of "Senior Game Warden." At the risk of breaking my sullen oath and suffering the punishment of having my epiglottis torn out by its roots and cast upon the boughs of an Acadia tree (which would then forever prevent me from being able to properly generate the secret handshake), I will now divulge the the true Masonic influence over the United States of America.

The entire design of the sewer system buried under Washington, DC was laid out by the Masons. If all the land was removed, and the sewer pipes were viewed from the air, anyone would be able to see that it is in the shape of Pablo Picasso's famous painting "Nude Descending a Staircase." Picasso himself was a 33-1/3 Mason (the ones with the very small holes), and as you probably know, much of his work was influenced by his 6th grade art teacher Mrs. Torrets. If the entire DC sewer system were laid end to end, it would reach a very, very long distance, and equally surprising, if it had been laid out in the exact shape of the sewer system in Boston, nearly all of the government buildings would have to be relocated.

The entire design was based on a dream that Thomas Jeffererson had where an angel sold him the painting nearly 200 years before it had even been painted. Of course Jefferson knew an unpainted painting would be virtually worthless, so he spanked the angel severely. After he woke he remembered the dream in detail, and he and Ben Franklin used the concept for the outline of the sewers.

Only one other U.S. national landmark was influenced by Masonic intervention. That was the carving of Mount Rushmore. Many Masonic symbols are hidden within this great monument. Among them are the secret words "owahh tagoo siam" blended carefully into Lincoln's hairline, as well as the actual street address for Solomon's temple, which is cleverly hidden in Roosevelt's eyebrow. In addition, many masonic artifacts were used in the construction, and many of these were buried within the rubble of granite at the base of the mountain. Some of these Masonic tools are the "Broken Hammer," several of the "Fallen Plumb Lines," "Measuring Sticks," and probably the most numerous of all are the small angular chips of rocks that Masons so dearly love. In one particularly popular Masonic ceremony, these rocks are placed on a blindfolded candidate's shoulder and then knocked off by the Least Worshipful Tyler.

Within easy view of Washington's right nostril there is a super-secret hidden cavern which leads deep into a natural passage which extends to Wind Cave National Park, a good 40 miles away. Roughly about four hundred feet and three inches inside this opening, the Mason's have hidden an ancient copper classroom note that contains positively unreliable proof that Mary Magdalene had a school-girl crush on John the Baptist.