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Wonderful question! This question comes from our our good friends who live in some weird foreign country. They are asking, "Why is English such a hard language to learn?" It is a tough language, for many reasons. The initial problem is English is a fairly new language, as far as languages go, and we are talking about languages, so that's as far as we want to go. Newer languages are more complicated than old languages, such as Chinese. Those who speak English, THINK Chinese seems complicated, but really it is much simpler than English. It is just all those weird little scribbles they make that makes it seem complicated, and the fact the Asians are all left-handed and they write backwards. This is due mostly because much of Asia is 180 degrees downside up from where English is spoken. Some of Asia is in different areas than other parts of Asia, but for the most part, that's where it is.
English does have some serious problems, which I intend to fix, when I get some free time. For one thing, we have too many letters. Twenty-six letters is ridiculous . We can throw the stupid "Q" out -- you can't even use it without using a "U" with it. So let's just replace those two with"Kw." Good! Now, lets move on to the incredibly super-stupid "W." Who in their right mind created a letter that takes three full syllables just to say -- "dou'-ble ewe." We will need to leave it in the alphabet, so we can lose the "q" but from now one we will call it "woeh." Say it outloud with me-- "woeh." Try again, not "woo-ehh" that sounds Canadian -- just "woeh."
The "K" can be removed -- replace with hard "C" except when it is silent, as in knife, knickers or knockers. In those cases, replace the silent "K" with a silent "D" or just wait until you reach the end of this article. "S" will now always have an "ess" or siss sound. Words like "shoop shoop song" will now be pronounced "soup soup song." "Z" can be tossed out, and replaced with X, or we can discard the X and replace it with the numeral 2. The "M" won't be missed if we replace with an "N" and learn to close our lips when we need the "n" sound. "Y" before "e" can be replaced with "U" except after "C" which never happens in real life.
And there ya go... oh wait, one more thing -- all those silent letters you learned -- DUH!!! -- forget them -- eliminate them too. That's what the OLD languages do.
Back to the question -- English is hard to learn because it is basically @!#&*#% COMPLICATED -- it has all these weird rules and sounds, and because we English speaking folk can't agree on the spelling. Give us a few years and then try again. I suspect cell-phone texting will speed up the process. L B Gr8 UL C
Monday, May 4, 2009
Why are 'exes' such a pain in the ass....
What is it with all the ellipses this week?
I received this question today.
This is another of those questions much like "how many angels. . . (better use of ellipse), that has perplexed philosophers since 87 B.C.. "Exes" is a Latin term meaning "wrath of Gluteus Maximus." Of course we all remember Gluteus Maximus was the leader of the Demi-Moorish tribes who defeated Mars, the Roman God of War, in the Battle of the Sexis. A related term from this period is "alimony," which is also a Latin derivative meaning "all of the money."
Much like a heavy dose of Mediterranean figs, Exes have a nasty way of shooting right through a human being. The only (possible, but sometimes risky) relief from this type of pain is to repeat the ancient Yiddish mantra, "O-wah Ta-Schmuc Kiam," sixteen times a day, for a minimum of three years. The mystical vibrations from this mantra will cause some Exes to turn and run, believing their enemy is weak and insignificant.
I received this question today.
This is another of those questions much like "how many angels. . . (better use of ellipse), that has perplexed philosophers since 87 B.C.. "Exes" is a Latin term meaning "wrath of Gluteus Maximus." Of course we all remember Gluteus Maximus was the leader of the Demi-Moorish tribes who defeated Mars, the Roman God of War, in the Battle of the Sexis. A related term from this period is "alimony," which is also a Latin derivative meaning "all of the money."
Much like a heavy dose of Mediterranean figs, Exes have a nasty way of shooting right through a human being. The only (possible, but sometimes risky) relief from this type of pain is to repeat the ancient Yiddish mantra, "O-wah Ta-Schmuc Kiam," sixteen times a day, for a minimum of three years. The mystical vibrations from this mantra will cause some Exes to turn and run, believing their enemy is weak and insignificant.
Who invented plastic bag closing thingies?
This question was received yesterday (5/3/09), and was actually a multi-part question:
I believe the original twisty-tie was patented in 1939 by a John Lane. The first manufactured twisty-sort-of-thing was registered under the trade name "Twist-Ems," by T & T Industries, Inc. It appears Lane did get quite rich, and was probably a millionaire, although I am unable to verify exactly how wealthy he was. I am nearly certain that it was he who once paid cash for a used red wheelbarrow that was in excellent condition.
By the way, unrelated to your question but worthy of note -- there is a man currently living in the world, who has more money than anyone else does. He is considered the RICHEST MAN IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
The last part of your question confuses me for a number of reasons. Why would someone ever want to break a twist-tie in half? Generally, they are designed slightly shorter than they should be. This unusual manufacturing defect can be easily explained. I also wonder if you really meant to say "lose an eye" or if you simply meant "caused the wire to penetrate someone's eyeball which resulted in a serious infection and loss of eyesight?" That would certainly make more sense, as the little wire would not contain enough force, even with a hyper-vigorous flick, to actually cause the eyeball to become dislodged with enough force to fly so far that someone could not eventually find it -- especially if it was in a room, which would consist of walls that would contain the eye. Even in a grand ballroom, loose eyeballs are pretty easy to spot.
The answer to the second part of your question is, nope. There was a case in West Bend, Indiana, where a person did actually accidentally dislodge his wisdom tooth with a twist-tie, but it was not broken in half. It was a full length twist-tie. It's an interesting story. He was rushed to a dentist on the fourth floor of the Lowrey Medical Center, downtown West Bend, but by the time he got there, the tooth had become lodged in his throat. Fortunately, there was an ear, nose and throat doctor one floor down. But, by the time he got into see the doctor, as you might have guessed, it had passed on into his stomach. There was a gastro-intestinal doctor on the second floor and he quickly went down to see him, but that doctor was unable to fish the poor tooth out. He made him an appointment for the next morning at the proctologist, who was on the first floor.
The following day, he went to the proctologist and the doctor used a special scope to peer up inside his colon. Quite surprised with what he discovered, he told the fellow he was suffering from a broken wisdom tooth that had become quite impacted and needed to be removed immediately, and he rushed him to the dentist on the fouth floor. There is more to this story, but no sense going on and on.
"who invented plastic bag closing thingies...are they a millionaire...and did anyone ever lose an eye from someone breaking em in half and flicking em across room....."The first thing I noticed about this question is that it did not begin with a capital letter, nor did it end with a question mark. It actually ended with an extended elipse, which seems very unusual. Being the pseudo-sleuth that I am, combined with my uncanny psychotic powers, I have deduced that this question must either be from; a) an eleven year old girl, b) a teenager of either gender, or c) a retired housewife living in Bulgaria.
I believe the original twisty-tie was patented in 1939 by a John Lane. The first manufactured twisty-sort-of-thing was registered under the trade name "Twist-Ems," by T & T Industries, Inc. It appears Lane did get quite rich, and was probably a millionaire, although I am unable to verify exactly how wealthy he was. I am nearly certain that it was he who once paid cash for a used red wheelbarrow that was in excellent condition.
By the way, unrelated to your question but worthy of note -- there is a man currently living in the world, who has more money than anyone else does. He is considered the RICHEST MAN IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
The last part of your question confuses me for a number of reasons. Why would someone ever want to break a twist-tie in half? Generally, they are designed slightly shorter than they should be. This unusual manufacturing defect can be easily explained. I also wonder if you really meant to say "lose an eye" or if you simply meant "caused the wire to penetrate someone's eyeball which resulted in a serious infection and loss of eyesight?" That would certainly make more sense, as the little wire would not contain enough force, even with a hyper-vigorous flick, to actually cause the eyeball to become dislodged with enough force to fly so far that someone could not eventually find it -- especially if it was in a room, which would consist of walls that would contain the eye. Even in a grand ballroom, loose eyeballs are pretty easy to spot.
The answer to the second part of your question is, nope. There was a case in West Bend, Indiana, where a person did actually accidentally dislodge his wisdom tooth with a twist-tie, but it was not broken in half. It was a full length twist-tie. It's an interesting story. He was rushed to a dentist on the fourth floor of the Lowrey Medical Center, downtown West Bend, but by the time he got there, the tooth had become lodged in his throat. Fortunately, there was an ear, nose and throat doctor one floor down. But, by the time he got into see the doctor, as you might have guessed, it had passed on into his stomach. There was a gastro-intestinal doctor on the second floor and he quickly went down to see him, but that doctor was unable to fish the poor tooth out. He made him an appointment for the next morning at the proctologist, who was on the first floor.
The following day, he went to the proctologist and the doctor used a special scope to peer up inside his colon. Quite surprised with what he discovered, he told the fellow he was suffering from a broken wisdom tooth that had become quite impacted and needed to be removed immediately, and he rushed him to the dentist on the fouth floor. There is more to this story, but no sense going on and on.
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