Why are 'exes' such a pain in the ass....

What is it with all the ellipses this week?

I received this question today.

This is another of those questions much like "how many angels. . . (better use of ellipse), that has perplexed philosophers since 87 B.C.. "Exes" is a Latin term meaning "wrath of Gluteus Maximus." Of course we all remember Gluteus Maximus was the leader of the Demi-Moorish tribes who defeated Mars, the Roman God of War, in the Battle of the Sexis. A related term from this period is "alimony," which is also a Latin derivative meaning "all of the money."

Much like a heavy dose of Mediterranean figs, Exes have a nasty way of shooting right through a human being. The only (possible, but sometimes risky) relief from this type of pain is to repeat the ancient Yiddish mantra, "O-wah Ta-Schmuc Kiam," sixteen times a day, for a minimum of three years. The mystical vibrations from this mantra will cause some Exes to turn and run, believing their enemy is weak and insignificant.