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Wonderful question! This question comes from our our good friends who live in some weird foreign country. They are asking, "Why is English such a hard language to learn?" It is a tough language, for many reasons. The initial problem is English is a fairly new language, as far as languages go, and we are talking about languages, so that's as far as we want to go. Newer languages are more complicated than old languages, such as Chinese. Those who speak English, THINK Chinese seems complicated, but really it is much simpler than English. It is just all those weird little scribbles they make that makes it seem complicated, and the fact the Asians are all left-handed and they write backwards. This is due mostly because much of Asia is 180 degrees downside up from where English is spoken. Some of Asia is in different areas than other parts of Asia, but for the most part, that's where it is.
English does have some serious problems, which I intend to fix, when I get some free time. For one thing, we have too many letters. Twenty-six letters is ridiculous . We can throw the stupid "Q" out -- you can't even use it without using a "U" with it. So let's just replace those two with"Kw." Good! Now, lets move on to the incredibly super-stupid "W." Who in their right mind created a letter that takes three full syllables just to say -- "dou'-ble ewe." We will need to leave it in the alphabet, so we can lose the "q" but from now one we will call it "woeh." Say it outloud with me-- "woeh." Try again, not "woo-ehh" that sounds Canadian -- just "woeh."
The "K" can be removed -- replace with hard "C" except when it is silent, as in knife, knickers or knockers. In those cases, replace the silent "K" with a silent "D" or just wait until you reach the end of this article. "S" will now always have an "ess" or siss sound. Words like "shoop shoop song" will now be pronounced "soup soup song." "Z" can be tossed out, and replaced with X, or we can discard the X and replace it with the numeral 2. The "M" won't be missed if we replace with an "N" and learn to close our lips when we need the "n" sound. "Y" before "e" can be replaced with "U" except after "C" which never happens in real life.
And there ya go... oh wait, one more thing -- all those silent letters you learned -- DUH!!! -- forget them -- eliminate them too. That's what the OLD languages do.
Back to the question -- English is hard to learn because it is basically @!#&*#% COMPLICATED -- it has all these weird rules and sounds, and because we English speaking folk can't agree on the spelling. Give us a few years and then try again. I suspect cell-phone texting will speed up the process. L B Gr8 UL C
Monday, May 4, 2009
Why are 'exes' such a pain in the ass....
What is it with all the ellipses this week?
I received this question today.
This is another of those questions much like "how many angels. . . (better use of ellipse), that has perplexed philosophers since 87 B.C.. "Exes" is a Latin term meaning "wrath of Gluteus Maximus." Of course we all remember Gluteus Maximus was the leader of the Demi-Moorish tribes who defeated Mars, the Roman God of War, in the Battle of the Sexis. A related term from this period is "alimony," which is also a Latin derivative meaning "all of the money."
Much like a heavy dose of Mediterranean figs, Exes have a nasty way of shooting right through a human being. The only (possible, but sometimes risky) relief from this type of pain is to repeat the ancient Yiddish mantra, "O-wah Ta-Schmuc Kiam," sixteen times a day, for a minimum of three years. The mystical vibrations from this mantra will cause some Exes to turn and run, believing their enemy is weak and insignificant.
I received this question today.
This is another of those questions much like "how many angels. . . (better use of ellipse), that has perplexed philosophers since 87 B.C.. "Exes" is a Latin term meaning "wrath of Gluteus Maximus." Of course we all remember Gluteus Maximus was the leader of the Demi-Moorish tribes who defeated Mars, the Roman God of War, in the Battle of the Sexis. A related term from this period is "alimony," which is also a Latin derivative meaning "all of the money."
Much like a heavy dose of Mediterranean figs, Exes have a nasty way of shooting right through a human being. The only (possible, but sometimes risky) relief from this type of pain is to repeat the ancient Yiddish mantra, "O-wah Ta-Schmuc Kiam," sixteen times a day, for a minimum of three years. The mystical vibrations from this mantra will cause some Exes to turn and run, believing their enemy is weak and insignificant.
Who invented plastic bag closing thingies?
This question was received yesterday (5/3/09), and was actually a multi-part question:
I believe the original twisty-tie was patented in 1939 by a John Lane. The first manufactured twisty-sort-of-thing was registered under the trade name "Twist-Ems," by T & T Industries, Inc. It appears Lane did get quite rich, and was probably a millionaire, although I am unable to verify exactly how wealthy he was. I am nearly certain that it was he who once paid cash for a used red wheelbarrow that was in excellent condition.
By the way, unrelated to your question but worthy of note -- there is a man currently living in the world, who has more money than anyone else does. He is considered the RICHEST MAN IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
The last part of your question confuses me for a number of reasons. Why would someone ever want to break a twist-tie in half? Generally, they are designed slightly shorter than they should be. This unusual manufacturing defect can be easily explained. I also wonder if you really meant to say "lose an eye" or if you simply meant "caused the wire to penetrate someone's eyeball which resulted in a serious infection and loss of eyesight?" That would certainly make more sense, as the little wire would not contain enough force, even with a hyper-vigorous flick, to actually cause the eyeball to become dislodged with enough force to fly so far that someone could not eventually find it -- especially if it was in a room, which would consist of walls that would contain the eye. Even in a grand ballroom, loose eyeballs are pretty easy to spot.
The answer to the second part of your question is, nope. There was a case in West Bend, Indiana, where a person did actually accidentally dislodge his wisdom tooth with a twist-tie, but it was not broken in half. It was a full length twist-tie. It's an interesting story. He was rushed to a dentist on the fourth floor of the Lowrey Medical Center, downtown West Bend, but by the time he got there, the tooth had become lodged in his throat. Fortunately, there was an ear, nose and throat doctor one floor down. But, by the time he got into see the doctor, as you might have guessed, it had passed on into his stomach. There was a gastro-intestinal doctor on the second floor and he quickly went down to see him, but that doctor was unable to fish the poor tooth out. He made him an appointment for the next morning at the proctologist, who was on the first floor.
The following day, he went to the proctologist and the doctor used a special scope to peer up inside his colon. Quite surprised with what he discovered, he told the fellow he was suffering from a broken wisdom tooth that had become quite impacted and needed to be removed immediately, and he rushed him to the dentist on the fouth floor. There is more to this story, but no sense going on and on.
"who invented plastic bag closing thingies...are they a millionaire...and did anyone ever lose an eye from someone breaking em in half and flicking em across room....."The first thing I noticed about this question is that it did not begin with a capital letter, nor did it end with a question mark. It actually ended with an extended elipse, which seems very unusual. Being the pseudo-sleuth that I am, combined with my uncanny psychotic powers, I have deduced that this question must either be from; a) an eleven year old girl, b) a teenager of either gender, or c) a retired housewife living in Bulgaria.
I believe the original twisty-tie was patented in 1939 by a John Lane. The first manufactured twisty-sort-of-thing was registered under the trade name "Twist-Ems," by T & T Industries, Inc. It appears Lane did get quite rich, and was probably a millionaire, although I am unable to verify exactly how wealthy he was. I am nearly certain that it was he who once paid cash for a used red wheelbarrow that was in excellent condition.
By the way, unrelated to your question but worthy of note -- there is a man currently living in the world, who has more money than anyone else does. He is considered the RICHEST MAN IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
The last part of your question confuses me for a number of reasons. Why would someone ever want to break a twist-tie in half? Generally, they are designed slightly shorter than they should be. This unusual manufacturing defect can be easily explained. I also wonder if you really meant to say "lose an eye" or if you simply meant "caused the wire to penetrate someone's eyeball which resulted in a serious infection and loss of eyesight?" That would certainly make more sense, as the little wire would not contain enough force, even with a hyper-vigorous flick, to actually cause the eyeball to become dislodged with enough force to fly so far that someone could not eventually find it -- especially if it was in a room, which would consist of walls that would contain the eye. Even in a grand ballroom, loose eyeballs are pretty easy to spot.
The answer to the second part of your question is, nope. There was a case in West Bend, Indiana, where a person did actually accidentally dislodge his wisdom tooth with a twist-tie, but it was not broken in half. It was a full length twist-tie. It's an interesting story. He was rushed to a dentist on the fourth floor of the Lowrey Medical Center, downtown West Bend, but by the time he got there, the tooth had become lodged in his throat. Fortunately, there was an ear, nose and throat doctor one floor down. But, by the time he got into see the doctor, as you might have guessed, it had passed on into his stomach. There was a gastro-intestinal doctor on the second floor and he quickly went down to see him, but that doctor was unable to fish the poor tooth out. He made him an appointment for the next morning at the proctologist, who was on the first floor.
The following day, he went to the proctologist and the doctor used a special scope to peer up inside his colon. Quite surprised with what he discovered, he told the fellow he was suffering from a broken wisdom tooth that had become quite impacted and needed to be removed immediately, and he rushed him to the dentist on the fouth floor. There is more to this story, but no sense going on and on.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
What's the latest classified information on the Taliban?
AFGHANISTAN -- Yes, the Taliban appear to be on the move again. I was informed today, during my morning briefing by highly unreliable D.O.D. sources that after stiff overnight resistance, the Taliban have pushed hard and finally taken Cascara. The Pentagon had not yet released this information because they doubt Omar's forces can hold it for very long. "The strain on their rear is tremendous," said one unnamed CIA source currently on the Pakistani border.
UN forces have captured several Taliban soldiers trying to evacuate along the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan. The Taliban now appear to be attempting a maneuver involving the release of noxious gas. They have tried to suppress the reports, but it leaked out and the several CIA agents in the area got wind of it. Our espionage agents are among the best, and I suspect those Taliban guerrilla fighters are beginning to realize the value of even a single scrap of paper.
UN forces have captured several Taliban soldiers trying to evacuate along the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan. The Taliban now appear to be attempting a maneuver involving the release of noxious gas. They have tried to suppress the reports, but it leaked out and the several CIA agents in the area got wind of it. Our espionage agents are among the best, and I suspect those Taliban guerrilla fighters are beginning to realize the value of even a single scrap of paper.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Where do deleted e-mails go?
Sorry folks! I am ever so late in maintaining my blog. Someone e-mailed me this questions a few days ago, but I had deleted it. I found it today, so I guess I can answer it.
Deleted e-mails (let's call them "dead" e-mails, ok?) actually remain for years. They are like the wind, and water and in-laws -- once created, 99.749% keep hanging around. Of course you should all remember that 74.56% of the statistics we read today are made up, and another 8.2% of those remaining are incorrect, but that's another subject.
Where was I? Oh yes, dead e-mails. When you receive an e-mail, it arrives at your computer (or Blackberry, iPhone or whatever little clever new device you are trying to figure out how to work); you read it, and then you usually delete it. Deleted e-mails, are not yet dead. They are sort of like in a coma and their puny life is being maintained by an e-mail life-support system. On a Macintosh, this area is called the "Trash," but on a PC, it has many confusing names, and Microsoft legal will not allow me to tell you what they are. After a few years of collecting dead e-mails, you will discover your computer is full, and you will contact someone technical, and they will tell you that you should have double-deleted your comatose deleted e-mails long before now, and then they will give you all the secret codes and spells to do so.
Once you have deleted your deleted emails, they are now officially dead. BUT they can still be resurrected by any run-of-the-mill hexideci shaman. They will begin to decay, slowly (the e-mails, not the shaman) -- usually they lose their soft tissues first, like their vowels. The harder consonants are the last to go, and they can remains for hundreds of years.
In some places, like California, many people recycle their emails -- sorting the different letters into plastic containers. Once full, they take them to their local Safeway grocery store and empty them into bins. Despite these efforts, the world is still running short of many characters -- commas and the numerals 3 and 7 are still in abundant supply. Many people in third-world countries do not have enough letters to even make a complete sentence, and their children are sent out in to the filthy streets to gather up discarded letters and symbols. A single clean @ sign can often be sold for enough money to feed a family of 4.6 people until they are hungry again. If everyone would recycle e-mail, the whole world would benefit, and we could go back to forwarding all our friends as many virus threats and naughty jokes as we wanted.
Deleted e-mails (let's call them "dead" e-mails, ok?) actually remain for years. They are like the wind, and water and in-laws -- once created, 99.749% keep hanging around. Of course you should all remember that 74.56% of the statistics we read today are made up, and another 8.2% of those remaining are incorrect, but that's another subject.
Where was I? Oh yes, dead e-mails. When you receive an e-mail, it arrives at your computer (or Blackberry, iPhone or whatever little clever new device you are trying to figure out how to work); you read it, and then you usually delete it. Deleted e-mails, are not yet dead. They are sort of like in a coma and their puny life is being maintained by an e-mail life-support system. On a Macintosh, this area is called the "Trash," but on a PC, it has many confusing names, and Microsoft legal will not allow me to tell you what they are. After a few years of collecting dead e-mails, you will discover your computer is full, and you will contact someone technical, and they will tell you that you should have double-deleted your comatose deleted e-mails long before now, and then they will give you all the secret codes and spells to do so.
Once you have deleted your deleted emails, they are now officially dead. BUT they can still be resurrected by any run-of-the-mill hexideci shaman. They will begin to decay, slowly (the e-mails, not the shaman) -- usually they lose their soft tissues first, like their vowels. The harder consonants are the last to go, and they can remains for hundreds of years.
In some places, like California, many people recycle their emails -- sorting the different letters into plastic containers. Once full, they take them to their local Safeway grocery store and empty them into bins. Despite these efforts, the world is still running short of many characters -- commas and the numerals 3 and 7 are still in abundant supply. Many people in third-world countries do not have enough letters to even make a complete sentence, and their children are sent out in to the filthy streets to gather up discarded letters and symbols. A single clean @ sign can often be sold for enough money to feed a family of 4.6 people until they are hungry again. If everyone would recycle e-mail, the whole world would benefit, and we could go back to forwarding all our friends as many virus threats and naughty jokes as we wanted.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Only in America
No one asked me a question today, so I must resort to providing you with some unsolicited facts.
I'm sure that some of these facts are so strange and incredible, you will sit in awe and silently wonder right outloud, "could these honestly be true?"
Who says no two snowflakes are alike? A snowflake found in Denver, Colorado in 1979, by Henry Togg was EXACTLY like a snowflake found by his grandfather in Kansas City, Missouri, in 1907.
Freaky Nature: A wild South American variety of marijuana was found growing in a plastic pot inside a double-locked closet on the 52nd floor of an exclusive high-rise apartment in New York City.
Times Two: Levy Heladei, Beloxi, Mississippi, received his late grandfather's Boliva wristwatch in 1963. It stopped working exactly sometime the following year, yet it has mysteriously shown the correct time (5:34) twice a day, ever since.
Italian Waiter: A large pepperoni and green pepper pizza ordered "to-go" from Antonio's Italian Villa, on Chicago's far-east side, more than 13 years ago, STILL HAS NOT BEEN PICKED UP.
Third Degree: A pair of pants worn by M.I.T. geometry professor Dr. Horatio B. Tutuwon, has a small tear on the left buttocks that is in the shape of perfect isosceles triangle.
A Mother's Place: In Fargo, North Dakota, every single resident of Norwegian ancestry has a mother who had parents with at least one daughter.
Single Mint: In 1996, Gumbolt "Gummy" Rapper, Baton Rouge, Lousiana, received a stick of Wrigley's Doublemint gum, and discovered it only contained a single pleasurable flavor and was only fun, once.
Pedaflop: In Towanda, Illinois, Kenny Abaker built a unicycle with only one pedal. To date, he has only been able to ride it for a very short distance, but intends to keep practicing.
Now, let's send in some more questions, my friends.
I'm sure that some of these facts are so strange and incredible, you will sit in awe and silently wonder right outloud, "could these honestly be true?"
Who says no two snowflakes are alike? A snowflake found in Denver, Colorado in 1979, by Henry Togg was EXACTLY like a snowflake found by his grandfather in Kansas City, Missouri, in 1907.
Freaky Nature: A wild South American variety of marijuana was found growing in a plastic pot inside a double-locked closet on the 52nd floor of an exclusive high-rise apartment in New York City.
Times Two: Levy Heladei, Beloxi, Mississippi, received his late grandfather's Boliva wristwatch in 1963. It stopped working exactly sometime the following year, yet it has mysteriously shown the correct time (5:34) twice a day, ever since.
Italian Waiter: A large pepperoni and green pepper pizza ordered "to-go" from Antonio's Italian Villa, on Chicago's far-east side, more than 13 years ago, STILL HAS NOT BEEN PICKED UP.
Third Degree: A pair of pants worn by M.I.T. geometry professor Dr. Horatio B. Tutuwon, has a small tear on the left buttocks that is in the shape of perfect isosceles triangle.
A Mother's Place: In Fargo, North Dakota, every single resident of Norwegian ancestry has a mother who had parents with at least one daughter.
Single Mint: In 1996, Gumbolt "Gummy" Rapper, Baton Rouge, Lousiana, received a stick of Wrigley's Doublemint gum, and discovered it only contained a single pleasurable flavor and was only fun, once.
Pedaflop: In Towanda, Illinois, Kenny Abaker built a unicycle with only one pedal. To date, he has only been able to ride it for a very short distance, but intends to keep practicing.
Now, let's send in some more questions, my friends.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
This is an old, old question debated for centuries by countless theologians and students of philosophy (see Thomas Aquinas). Part of the problem is determining how large or small an angel might be, and what sort of dance is to be performed. Obviously a dance such as the Jitterbug would require more room than say a waltz. However, in reality, angels do not Jitterbug.
Assuming the dance is no more than a mere Foxtrot, the correct answer is 23.
Assuming the dance is no more than a mere Foxtrot, the correct answer is 23.
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